Monday 30 April 2012

Last reminder for White Rabbits!  And no, I'm not posting the rabbit family again today....twice is quite enough.  Instead am posting a picture of Ron's new addition.

We went out to pick up the fifth wheel today.  Kelli is going to live in it while doing her elective in Cranbrook when she gets back from Mexico.

Ron was excited to introduce me to the latest member of their horse family.  He is a month old, has one blue eye and one brown eye, is nameless
as of yet but is as cute as a bug!  One thing I am a sucker for is baby anything!  So far Ron is calling him "Little Shit" and I'm thinking the name might just stick.

See the surgeon this week.  Once I see him I will start my packing in ernest.  Still having some issues especially with the throat congestion, the swallow and the voice.  Actually resorted to reading up on the internet things you could do to help with the throat.  So today I've been gargling with salt water, I put hot compresses on my throat and am trying to take in more water.  Hopefully will have a better night tonight than last night!  Good days/bad days.....good nights/bad nights!  I try to stay busy during the day, the objective being that I will fall into bed and go to sleep.  It does work but the problem seems to be staying asleep.

Came home from Ron and Margs' and headed over to Grays' to pick up Sienna.  We did the Nose Hill Loop.  Was worried we might get wet but the rain held off and it was actually quite pleasant.  Was glad I went. So signing off.....Remember this is the final day of April!

Sunday 29 April 2012

Thought I'd include the "warren" of bunnies once again as gentle, or not so gentle reminder that tomorrow night is the last night of April!!!

Not a lot to tell today.  Went to Nose Hill with Bill and Brian and Brenda today and did a 1:15 minute loop.  Then headed to Friends for coffee......well three for drinking coffee and one for smelling coffee!  That is what I have resorted to....I smell it.  I like to make coffee for Bill in the morning because I bury my nose in the bag before I make it.  Hmmm....coffee always did smell even better than it tastes!

Had a really nice visit and are now toying with the idea of joining these guys on a little trip down to the Grand Canyon in the fall.  They are taking their motor home and heading down to see the Grand Canyon, Zion and Bryce Canyon.  Bill has seen these places but I never have.  I doubt I will be hiking to the bottom of the Canyon but if I'm feeling good it might be a nice trip to take.  We are definitely thinking about it and will give it some serious consideration when we get back from Mexico.

Feeling pretty good today.  More info than most of you will want but I finally seem to be coughing up some of this gunk that has planted itself in my throat.  I'm thinking this is a good thing because up until now it has just settled in and won't budge!  I've been trying Jessie's suggesting....sharp sniff in and then swallow so not sure if that's what's doing it but whatever it is I'm happy!  To have a clean throat would be marvellous and would certainly add to my comfort level.

We may head out to Rons' tomorrow to pick up our fifth wheel.  Kelli is doing a three week stint in Cranbrook and needs somewhere to live so we are going to take the fifth wheel out there for her.  She has found a RV park only 1 km from the hospital so it should work out nicely.  Hoping to also spend a little time with Dad at the lake.  Am thinking he and Bill can golf and I will walk.  Bill suggested today I should go out back and swing a golf club but I know I'm not ready for that.  Walking is pretty much all I'm good for at this point.

Countdown continues....5 more sleeps and we are off to Mexico!  I keep giving my head a little shake.  To be honest, I won't believe I'm going until that plane's wheels leave the tarmac!

Saturday 28 April 2012

I am including a photo of my "herd" of white bunnies as a gentle reminder to the newly converted that the 1st of May is fast approaching and we all know what that means.  First words out of your mouth on May 1st must be White Rabbits and if you feel inclined to send a little of the luck you will glean my way it would be most appreciated!  Must admit, they are a handsome family aren't they!

So, I'm thinking everyone is in for a little humour today.  Warped, sick humour mind you but still humour.  I really should have taken a picture to accompany this but will instead let your imaginations go with it.  Yesterday, Kathy and I went to get our fingers and toes done as I mentioned in yesterdays blog.  I also mentioned that we went next door to pick up the stinky salmon sticks but what I failed to tell you was what the featured "treat" at Tail Waggers was.  As I approached the checkout to pay for my not only smelly, but also expensive treats I was stopped dead in my tracks.  Just in front of the checkout, in a very large basket with a sign on it were "ESOPHAGUS TWISTS!"  How twisted is that.....and how twisted that I actually found it amusing!  I'm not sure Kathy did!

Beautiful day out there today.  Started the morning with a half hour walk with Boomer.  I have been letting Bill take the morning and nighttime shifts but this morning decided it was about time I got back into the morning routine of walking him.  So did the tennis court/hill route!  Still puffing on that darn hill but I'm getting up it in pretty good time.  Came home and had a visit from my friend Pat!  Great to see her, it's been awhile!  She left and I decided to hit the Nose Hill Trail.  Added a little distance today.  Walked for 1 hour and 20 minutes today.  Came home with the best of intentions to tackle my closet but got sidetracked by my new kindle and spent a couple of hours out on the deck reading.  Did get a few little odds and sods done but not nearly what I had planned to do.  Funny how the days just seem to disappear on me.  Bill went for lunch with the boys.  It is Geoff's stag today!  They started with lunch at "Worst" where you can get your beer in a boot!  From there they were going to play pool and at that point it was my understanding the father's would exit!  I'm starting to wonder if the father's decided that they would hang in for the fun of the evening as it is now 6 PM and no Bill.

Thanks to all who offered their suggestions up for the plugged sinuses.  I had quite a response to that one....the neti pot was the most popular suggestion.  To be honest, the plugged throat is a much bigger issue for me at this point than the nose so again, if anyone has suggestions I'm open and eager to read them!

We are all in countdown mode.  Six more sleeps and we will be on the plane to Mexico!  Very, excited.  Although from the get go I have been determined to be there, I can confess now there were many moments when I thought it wasn't going to be possible.  To be there means the world to me!  And I know it means a lot to Geoff and Lindsey that I can be there as well!  The guest list just topped 100 today!  Amazing turn out for a destination wedding!

Friday 27 April 2012

Brrrr.....it's cold out there today.  The kind of day one would just like to sit by the fireplace all day and read.  But I didn't.  Kathy and I headed out to get our fingers and toes done for the wedding.  A very nice treat, although I'm sure my little vietnamese lady who I always use was seriously wondering about my voice but was too polite to ask.  I didn't feel like explaining so we just left it there.  Came out feeling beach worthy!  Dropped into Tail Waggers and got Boomer a new batch of stinky salmon sticks.  Most effective recall device on the face of the earth, then headed home for a nice visit with Geoff.  After he left headed over to the runners fair at Mount Royal College to check out the latest in running gear and runners but did NO retail therapy today.  Running seems like a distant activity to me at the moment so buying new runners wasn't that appealing.  Fun to look though and there are some very jazzy colours out there.  Made me think of Geoff.  He loves those wild fluorescent colours!  Took Boomer with me trying to talk myself into doing the walk despite the wind and cool.  I even put on my "survivor" bandanna that Holly gave me.  I think that was the deciding factor.  That and the fact that as I drove up Shaganappi, Boomer stood up in the back of my Forerunner and started to whine.  So.....even though I was LESS than keen, headed out and did the hour loop.  First guy I ran into says...."I see you have lost your voice!"  I nodded and he replied "My son was in the same boat a couple of days ago..."  Hmmmm.....I thought.....I doubt very much your son was in the same boat!  On I went and ran into another character....the same one who said "When your numbers up your numbers up!"  He said "Where's your voice?"  I just shrugged....just don't feel like explaining this to these people!  Got through the loop in record time....felt pretty good that I had done it and am now home and ready to go turn on the fireplace now.  Just a little reminder....which I will continue to nag you about over the weekend....Don't forget "White Rabbits" Day is fast approaching!  Mark it on your calendar PLEASE!

Thursday 26 April 2012

What a dreary, dismal day out there.  Got up and immediately went hmmm....a good day to stay in the house.  The carpet cleaner was coming at 9 AM.  We have new carpet in the family room but someone (unknown) spilled something and left a big stain so we wanted to see if the cleaner could get it out.  Looks like he was successful  although we can't walk on the carpet until tomorrow.  Booomer is quite disgruntled at being locked in the kitchen all day.

Jenifer took him for his walk today as I was expecting another friend to drop by and honestly wasn't feeling to inspired to walk in this weather.  What kind of positive attitude is that?

Maureen dropped by and we had a quick visit and she took her share of my feeding supplies with her.  We are dividing everything up amongst a few people just to be safe.  Nothing like going to an all inclusive and taking your own groceries.  I am going to be the best deal that all inclusive has ever had!  Doesn't eat, is very quiet, can't drink....I'm thinking I should ask for a rebate!

Sat this morning and went through a hundred song choices for my dance with Geoff.  Want to do a little more searching but have a couple of good picks.  If anyone out there has a great idea, feel free to send it on.....

This afternoon, hit the hairdressers and got the wedding "do".  I'm looking pretty spiffy, I must say!
Tomorrow it's toes and fingers, then all that's left to be done is to get packed and be off.  I am excited that my Dad and brother and his wife are coming as well as my cousin Trish and her husband Gerry!  Also some very special friends.   After going through all of this I have really come to recognize the importance of friends and family and just what is important in this life!

Yesterday, must confess, was feeling a little bit down after the appointment at the Tom Baker but my brother sent me an interesting thought that I really liked.  It deals with the circle of concern and the circle of influence or control.  "If something is in your concern but not in your control or influence don't focus on it.  Focus on what you can and will control!"  Such good advice.  So that is exactly where I'm at....back to trying to get physically stronger, getting lots of rest, looking my best for the wedding, trying to keep a positive spin on things......those are the things within my control.  So tonight, even though I cannot eat I am going to cook supper for Bill.  He will resist I know.  He even feels bad eating in front of me but honestly when you haven't eaten for a month you really lose your interest in food. (Well maybe not totally....I would love to be able to sit down and eat and drink normally again but I don't feel this overwhelming craving when people eat and drink around me.)  So if you are with me having a drink or eating something don't even give it a second thought.  I have this delicious stuff that I snack on all night.....Grossest stuff on the face of the earth but it's keeping me alive so I should be grateful for that!

Wednesday 25 April 2012

Had to be up and at it early today which is a little problematic with the feeding thing but had to be to the Tom Baker for an 8 AM appointment.  Really wish we hadn't gone.  The doctor seemed disorganized, had not seen my pathology report, was thinking out loud and basically didn't know where we would go from here.  Not having my swallow is a problem with more chemo and I'm certainly not ready to be bombarded with chemo at this point.  Why don't we just kick her a little more now that she's down and out......I am booked for a PET in late May and my mind logically says that it would be prudent to see the results of that and then start talking about where we go from here.  Left there feeling a little deflated, then got a little reminder via text...."Mom, look after what you have control of....your attitude!"  So have decided to shelve this whole thing for the time being and focus on what I can control, my walking, getting enough rest and trying to stay upbeat.  Right now I'm just thinking about the wedding.  We had some errands to run, one being I needed a new swim suit with a little extra coverage.  Went to Swimco and tried on many in assorted sizes and styles.  Finally settled on one but could not decide on which bottoms to buy.  Of course the sales clerk is continually knocking on the door asking if she can help and I'm hiding in the change room not wanting her assistance!  Bathing suit shopping does weird things to us girls!  Especially at the end of winter when you look like the Pillsbury dough boy!  Finally I had this brilliant idea.  I pulled  out my iPhone and took a picture of myself in the mirror wearing each of the two bottoms and used what's ap to send them to Kelli for her input.  Within minutes I had a response!  Decision made! I can only hope she wasn't in the middle of an important meeting when a picture of her mother arrived sporting a swim suit!  And hopefully she didn't share it with anyone!  I'm sure it gave her a chuckle though!

Finished our running around and came home.  I headed off to Nose Hill for my 5.5 km loop with Jenifer and Sienna.  It was a beautiful day for a walk.  Not too hot but very pleasant.  Not at all like what's forecasted for the next couple of days.  A week from Friday we shall be on our way to Mexico and Geoff and Lindsey's wedding!  Yabadabadooo........


Tuesday 24 April 2012

There are two things I look for as signs of spring!  The robins which I saw last week and the arrival of crocuses.  This little flower reminds me of my Mom because when I was little I used to go out in the spring and pick her huge bunches of them.  We didn't know then that once you pick a crocus it won't grow back.  Probably explains why there are so few compared to when I was little growing up in Charleswood.  Brats like me out plucking hundreds of them for their Moms!  

A quiet day.  Bill and Duane did a 70 Km ride today out to Cochrane and back.  I think last weekend was a good wake up call for Bill that he needs to start logging some miles on the bike.  Duane is doing two Rides To Conquer Cancer.  The one here and one out in Vancouver that is 160 km x2.  Quite the ambitious ride!  They had a great day for it today though and Bill doesn't feel nearly as pooped as he did on Saturdays ride.  

I met Jenifer at Nose Hill this morning and we did the 5.5 km route.  She told me all about her recent trip to New Orleans with her Mom.  It was nice to get out with her and Sienna!  It's been awhile!  My walking inspiration right now is my brother.  He had hip surgery the week before I had my surgery and is walking 2 hours every day down country roads in Pincher Creek.  A very dedicated patient to his rehab!  

From there headed home and actually did some household tasks.  Cleaned the bathrooms and did a couple of loads of laundry.  It felt so normal!  Never thought I'd hear myself saying I enjoyed those kinds of activities but I really did!

Did some reading, worked on my photo album restoration project and had a pretty productive day.  Bill got home around 3 and I took Boomer out and headed out for walk #2.  Shorter but with the killer hill.  All in all walked about 1:45 today which I think is pretty decent.

Tomorrow we have to be at the Tom Baker by 8 AM.  Have an appointment with Dr. Esaw, the Chemotherapy Oncologist.  I'm thinking I may be in for another round of chemo but can hardly imagine they would suggest doing that now.  Talk about hitting someone when they're down and out!  I imagine they will give me some time to heal then do it if that's the plan.  At least that is my hope.  Have more appointments next week with the surgeon and the swallow clinic.  Bill has found an insurance company that will insure me to go to Mexico.  Feeling relieved about that.  Although I'm confidant I won't have anything acute happened when I'm there it's comforting to know that if it does we're not going to go into debt because of no medical insurance.  




Monday 23 April 2012


Got up this morning to the same beautiful day the rest of you did!  Decided we should head over and vote even though we don't like any of the candidates and then thought it might be a great day to go check out the Penguin Plunge at the zoo.  Other than going to zoo lights, neither of us has been to the zoo in years. We thought that Monday would be a quiet day.....WRONG!  We had to line up for 30 minutes to get in to see this little critters.  Well worth the wait though.  The exhibit is very nicely done and the penguins are total non-stop entertainment.  They do not stop....dive in, swim around, literally hop out, dive in and it all starts over again.  There are three species of penguins in the exhibit and all seem to cohabit ate very nicely. From the Penguin Plunge we did the tour of the zoo grounds.  Much the same as in the past but still a fun outing!

Got home around 3 and decided to take Boomer over to Nose Hill.  Didn't go as far today as yesterday but still walked for 55 minutes which I was feeling pretty good about.  Pretty steady on the flat ground now but hills still a challenge.  Think I will sleep tonight.

Still struggling with the congestion in my nose and throat.  If any readers have some magic solutions for me I'm open to trying anything!  I think if I could clear that problem I would feel about 150% better!


Sunday 22 April 2012

I had a great sleep last night.  Woke up this morning and laid there perfectly still.  I actually felt quite normal.  No congestion, no feeling like a trussed turkey, no fatigue.....just normal.  I didn't move a muscle because I didn't want to break the spell.  Finally shifted and took a look around the room.  Over the years Bill and I have put a number of plaque mounted photos around the ceiling perimeter of our room of our various adventures and trips.  I laid there and studied each picture and in most cases could almost remember the day we took it.  There was sailing off the west coast, soaking in hot springs in Yellowstone, Mach Pichu, Hiking the West Coast Trail with our kids, Hawaii, Mexico, Golfing out in the Kananaskis, Kayaking, Cycling the Kettle Valley Trail, Bill's trip to Kilimanjaro with Kelli, and pictures of our most recent trip to Nepal to name a few.  I love to lay there and look at those pictures and am thankful that we took all those trips and adventures.  Not to say there won't be more but I am glad we have those under our belt.  The alarm went off on my feed pump and the magic ended.  Time to get up and get at the day.

Kathy came over today and we headed off to Nose Hill.  I used the new app Geoff downloaded on my phone which is a GPS that tracks my time and distance.  I think it is more accurate than the one he used the other day.  We actually walked longer today but the app said not as far.  I think it was a little more on target.  1 hour 13 minutes of walking, 5.5 km.  A very good walk for me.  

Came home and sat out on the deck in the sun for a bit.  What a beautiful day!  Tomorrow also supposed to be great so we are thinking we might hit the zoo and see the penguin exhibit.    Need to set up a few appointments tomorrow for the next week or so but other than that the routine stays pretty much the same.   

Saturday 21 April 2012

Today was the first training ride for the Honey Badgers.  Duane and Maureen organized the day and 8 out of 17 Honey Badgers showed up.  It was a beautiful day for a ride.  Maureen and I drove the sag wagon....well, Maureen drove and I rode in the sag wagon.  The team met at Rocky Ridge Coop at noon and set out on a route Duane had put together for them.  I think most of them rode about 55 km today and I would give them all an A plus for effort!  I must admit there were moments when I , the exercise junkie, really wished I was out there with them but know this reality is a long ways off yet for me.
Still, I really enjoyed the day and spending an afternoon with my dear friend Maureen is always a treat!  The Honey Badgers were all impressive but I must say Duane is probably the best conditioned of the bunch. That guy never does anything half assed! He has ridden 300 km this week alone!  I know for a fact there are Honey Badgers out there who have yet to put their butts in the bike saddle!  Hopefully Duane will organize some more training rides as I think there is comfort in suffering together!  Second honourable mention goes to Marnie who also attended Lindsey's stagette last night and showed for the ride today.  Now that's youth and stamina!  You go girl!  The ride as I mentioned started in Rocky Ridge, wandered through Church Ranch, through the surrounding countryside, down the hill into Cochrane where the group stopped to refuel at the Cochrane Coffee House, then back up the hill, through the countryside and back to Rocky Ridge Coop.  I had to laugh at Danielle when she submitted the Cochrane Hill.....she said " Oh yeah....we really are Honey Badgers!"    Bill was the slowest but he did the greatest distance today insisting he would ride starting and ending at our house giving him a total distance of 73 km.  He's hurting tonight!  Will be a few days before he jumps back on his bike I'm thinking.  Geoff had a few technical difficulties with his bike that he will have to get fixed but other than that the ride went smoothly.  There were tons of people out riding today!  I think many were also preparing for this big ride in June!  Maureen dropped me off home around 5 PM and I decided to bite the bullet and go for my first solo walk with Boomer.  He is so well whistle trained that I felt confidant it would be OK and was pretty sure Bill wasn't going to feel like going walking when he arrived back.  So out we went with a whistle, a bag of salmon sticks, a leash and a poop bag!  Did the walk to the tennis courts and then back up to my killer hill which I again did non-stop and think it was once again a little easier than the last time I did it.  Bill did an amazing job of training Boomer to a whistle when I was in the hospital.  Of course it is the salmon he is returning for but who cares.  I will say this though, if you have a dog who is non compliant you really need to buy some of these salmon sticks.  They should be called salmon stinks because they are the vilest smelling things your nostrils have ever encountered but they are like crack cocaine for dogs.  Boomer will do anything for a small piece.  If you just stand there holding the stick and look at him he will do every trick he knows in quick succession, hoping to score the treat.

Got back from my walk and sat with Bill while he ate his well deserved supper!  It was such a nice day!  So fun to be part of this event, if only from the seat of the support vehicle.  If I could wish for three immediate fixes right now I would wish I could get rid of the congestion in my throat, I would wish I could talk with my normal voice and my final wish would be that I could swallow. I did take a couple of sips of water today (just a little experiment and I do think they went down the right pipe!)  Maybe I'm just an optimist but I am so hopeful I will pass that next swallow test!  I hope everyone got out and enjoyed the beautiful day!  A day like today should not be wasted!


Friday 20 April 2012

I write this blog for myself these days but am happy that a number of people seem to still be interested in the day to day progress I am making even though sometimes the progress does not seem to even warrant a mention.

I have been soooo busy today.  Can't imagine I won't sleep like a rock tonight.  Day started off with my usual routine but I was moving a little quicker as my pal, Kathy was coming over at 9:30 for a visit.  9:30 for Kathy usually means anything from 10-noon but I told her Geoff and Lindsey were coming at noon to go for a walk with me so she had better not be too late.  Well, she was pretty much on time.  I just about fell over.  We had a great gab and she was still here when Geoff and Lindsey arrived.

Switched gears and told Geoff I really wanted to try to do the Nose Hill Loop today so we loaded Boomer up into the Forerunner and headed off to Nose Hill.  Boomer was whining all the way.  We did my usual loop in 1 hour and according to Geoff it measured 7 km.  Bill thinks that's a little generous on the distance but I like it!  I didn't even huff that much (not very conversational though) so was quite impressed with myself by the time we got back to the car.  Came home and Geoff and Lindsey had to get going.  Tonight is Lindsey's staggette which I will not be going to but Lindsey promised me she would have a "Bull Dog" for me (some sort of fancy smancy Mexican concoction that would probably kill me on the spot).

So off they went and then Bob and Holly arrived.  Had a good couple hour gab with them and  now have absolutely NO VOICE left.  I have drained it dry today but drained it dry on people who matter!   When I woke up this morning it actually sounded like my old voice for a minute or two but I definitely used it all up.   I think I will be skyping Kelli by keyboard tonight for sure.  She's got it set up that we can see each other and she can talk and I can type.  It works really well as we usually talk at 7 PM.  By the end of the day I have pretty much had it so it is a nice option to be able to resort to the keyboard but still check up on each other.  She worries about me.....and I worry about her.....What a pair we are!

Am enjoying this quiet moment on my computer right now.  Tired but in a good way.

Geoff has reached his $10,000 goal for the Ride To Conquer Cancer!  Thanks so much to those of you who supported the Honey Badgers.  They have raised close to $60,000!!!

Tomorrow will ride with Maureen in the sag wagon while some of the Honey Badgers do a training ride. Hopefully this wind dies down a bit.  That was a pretty stiff breeze blowing out there today.
Have a great weekend all!!!


Thursday 19 April 2012

Today a really busy day relatively speaking.  Up, not too early.  The morning routine always takes quite awhile to get through.  Got to throw my feed bag away today so didn't have to clean it.  That was a treat.  You get a new one once a week.  I am going to take seven of them to Mexico so won't have to worry about the sanitation issues with respect to cleaning. Had a shower and got ready for Barry's retirement.  Felt a little angst about going as I have not really been in any big social settings and not everyone would know about my issues.  No need to worry.  In the door and the first two faces were Gail and Louisa!  So nice to see them!  Put me at ease right away.  Gave Barry a big hug and just sat back and watched the proceedings.  Barry has worked for the City Police for over 39 years!  It's funny I asked Lindsey for a picture of her and Geoff in their paramedic uniforms for the wedding video and she responded that she didn't want that because that was what they did, not who they were.  Sitting watching Barry and Wendy today though I saw it a little differently.  I kind of know how Barry felt because when you have done a job that long it does actually become a little piece of who you are and if you have worked hard at it and are proud of your accomplishments it is a difficult thing to walk away from it because in a sense you are leaving a little piece of your self behind.  It was a nice event though and I am sure it will give him some closure.  So cool that he has this trip coming up which will give him a different focus starting into retirement.

From the retirement we headed over to the Mall.  I needed to get a couple of things, nothing too major like yesterdays shop that's for sure.

Then home for the walk. Today we went to the tennis courts then back up the HILL.  Still can't say I am doing the walk easily.  I'm not.

Geoff would like me to thank contributors to his ride.  He is only about $50 away from his $10,000 goal!  Amazing!  On Saturday some of the Honey Badgers will be going out for a team ride.  Not sure how many will show but it will be a wake up call to a few to get their butts on their bikes.....not mentioning any names but B for butt, b for Bike and B for ..................and I'm not talking about Boomer here guys!

Not too much planned for tomorrow.  Geoff is coming over to go for a walk with me and I'm thinking that if it's as nice as today I might like to go to Nose Hill.  We will see in the morning.

Wednesday 18 April 2012

A very quiet day at home today and much appreciated!  No hustle and bustle, no vitals checks, no visitors just quiet peace.  Not usually a day I relish.  In the past I would find a day like this boring.  Today it was lovely.
I realize that interest in this blog will most likely drop off.  She's home, she's recovering and that's good.  You all need to stop worrying and focussing on me.  However, to be honest I have found this blog to become quite therapeutic for me so I will continue to write in it and perhaps one day at the end of this road I can sit back and reread the journey I have been on.  So if you've had enough, and it's likely not to be that interesting for awhile feel free to exit with my profound thanks for your support and care.

So my day today.  Had the best sleep I have had in a month last night.  Bill took away that horrible wedge pillow and put some blocks under the head of the bed as I am not supposed to sleep totally flat at night. Not sure if that was the reason I slept well but I did have a great sleep and woke up feeling pretty darn good this morning.  The morning routine takes pretty much the morning.  We watched a movie last night so my food had not run through when I got up this morning so headed downstairs to read the paper and wait for that to finish.  Cleaned up my equipment and headed down for a shower.  Let me tell you showering in your own shower is such a treat after using the hospital showers.  Then I bravely stood in front of the mirror (this is the first time I have done this) and analyzed the damage.  A little stunning but actually not as bad as I had imagined it might look.  The steri strips are starting to come off and the scars are starting to flatten out so doesn't look too terrible.  It is going to take a little getting used to this new look but don't think that's going to present too much of a problem.  That is frankly the least of my concerns.

Went out for the daily walk and extended it down to the playground then back up the killer hill.  Went well.  Still huffing more than I would like but can do it non stop without too much heavy breathing.  It's just the hills that challenge me really.  I am aiming to do my Nose Hill loop next week.  It shouldn't be too bad because it is fairly flat.  Hopefully we will get some decent weather. The bright spot of the day?  Robins!  I wait to see them every year.  I have heard they have been around for a month but being locked in the hospital I haven't been able to see any.  Imagine my delight when we walked out to the front of our house and a tree was full of robins!  That to me, along with crocuses is the first sign of spring.  So let's get on with it!

Did a few things around the house.  Cleaned my purse and wallet (huge job), went through the many cards I have received and enjoyed them a second time, did a little laundry, wrote some thank you cards, sent some emails and cooked a meal (unfortunately, not for me)  Still, I'm enjoying feeling like I am contributing a little around here.  Nothing happens quickly but I am determined to get back to a functional  and independent level of living.  This is a long haul and you can only expect so much of your family when it comes to them looking after you.  Bill has been amazing.  I'm thinking he could have pursued a career in nursing and he would have been excellent at that too.  He is a bit of a control freak (but everyone knows that right?) so when I am trying to do things for myself I can feel him just twitching to take over and do it for me.  The problem is it becomes very easy to let others take care of you all of the time but there comes a point when you need to take charge of yourself.
The one thing I do have trouble with is changing my dressings so I gladly let him do that.
The Honey Badgers continue to forge ahead and they are having a practice ride this weekend.  I am thinking I will ride in the "sag" wagon with Maureen.  Hopefully some of them will show up.  I know Bill and Duane will be there but not sure if any others.  Geoff is $180 away from his $10,000 goal.  I have had some people ask how to donate.  You just go to Alberta Ride To Conquer Cancer.  Enter Geoff Sherlock and you can donate right there and get your tax receipt right away.
So, tomorrow an outing planned.  A good friend is retiring and we are planning to drop in and wish him well!  A few years ago he and his wife attempted to do "The Ride Across America" but Barry fell off his bike and was injured and had to pull out.  For him it is unfinished business and they are now preparing to go for a second attempt.  I say good for them!  No unfinished business!  If you want to do it, make it happen.  It's in your power!  Take charge and "Just do it".

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Kind of a grey day.  Weather perhaps has a little to do with it.  Not a good day, not a bad day but a day.

We were up bright and early this morning as I had an appointment with Dr. Bosche at the voice clinic.  To be honest I did not go there with any expectations.  Well, perhaps a little hope that one of my vocal cords would at least twitch for him but unfortunately that did not happen.  We went into a room of people, at least six, including speech pathologists, swallow people, a resident, the doctor himself and Bill and I.  Basically he told me the same thing he told me a few days ago when he visited me in hospital.  It would appear at this time that both cords are paralyzed.  One needs to come around and then they can help me.  I don't need both but I do need one.  I'm not even going to talk about what the implications are if they don't come around but it could take months.  He said typically around 3-6 months is the time they might start to see some movement again so it's going to be a quiet summer for all around me.  Guess I will be more focussed on my golf and less on my yakking! The swallowing should come despite this problem.  Apparently the body just learns to adapt over time again.  Time, time, time...I'm starting to really detest that word but also starting to understand exactly what that means for me.  When they told me it would be a year before I was back to normal I think I secretly thought but it's me your talking about and I don't plan to give you a year.  Apparently I do not have choice in this one.  It is awful to have no control but I am starting to realize on these issues I have none...there is nothing I can do or not do that will speed up this healing process, other than to look after the physical healing of my body which is the one positive here.  I am starting to see improvements in my stamina and endurance every day.  I have walked my kilometre walk every day for the past four days and each day it has been better.  Day one was a slog from start to finish.  Right out of the gates I was puffing.  Day two I extended the walk and it was still tough.  The hill was a tough slug up and I had to stop several times to catch my breath and then rest at the top.  Yesterday was much, much better and I made it up the hill with no stops but did need to sit and catch my breath once I got there.  Today I did the entire walk non stop including the hill and I wasn't even puffing very much at the top.  So this is definitely getting better.  I have no pain, just feel uncomfortable in this trussed up body that does not feel like it belongs to me.

We left the voice clinic and decided that we hadn't done any Retail Therapy in awhile.  So headed over to Market Mall and bought myself my own Macbook pro.  I have been using the school computers but would like to clean them up and transfer the data I want over to my new computer.  This takes time as I am an untidy person with storage on my computer.  My music files are a mess.  I spent last night with Shazam (if you haven't used it try it, it's amazing).  I had many identified songs on my computer and I just pointed my iPhone at the computer with Shizam as the song played and it identified the song and the artist.  Very slick.  Have deleted a ton of music that I have collected for various purposes (dance units and movies mostly) and have no need for.  So that was my big purchase of the day.  Then went across the hall and bought a couple of sundresses for Mexico.  If you're sitting around you had better look good is my theory.  Not much fun trying things on so will probably retry them at home to make sure they weren't just a this will do buy.  Have a hunch I may return a couple but it was fun wandering amongst the clothes pretending everything was just normal and fine

Have had some flowers delivered today.  Beautiful!  Thanks to those of you who have been thinking about me!

Monday 16 April 2012

"Courage it would seem is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all it's sorrows is good, that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding and that there is always tomorrow".

Found this quote on Kelli's facebook page today and thought I would share it.  I find it quite inspirational.

Today they sprung me and not a moment too soon.  I think they watch for you to start to get cranky and that's a sign to get you out of there.  I even heard a nurse talking in the hall yesterday about some patient (not me) that just got nastier as they got better and it was time to send them home.  Don't think I fell into that category however my night nurse "Josh" just about got an earful last night.  I was quite pooped after being home for the afternoon and having hone for a good walk was ready for bed,  nodding off into one of the few fitful sleeps I have had in that place around 10PM.  Midnight strikes, the lights flick on and in walks a cheery Josh to take my vitals.  I could have smacked him.  They do take your vitals every night at midnight but most of them are pretty good about going about their business and although you know they are there they don't really purposefully awake you!  He left and I went back to sleep again.  5 AM some woman comes in and starts emptying glasses of water into the sink beside my bed.  I felt like sitting up and saying "you're kidding me."  Drifted again...5:30 another person comes in, opens the bathroom door and takes a look, then shuts the door and leaves.  If they had to come in and look I wish they could have come in and cleaned it.  Four people sharing a bathroom, you would think it would get cleaned on a daily basis.  Not so....I think in the entire time I was there it was not thoroughly cleaned once.  Now that's a healthy, germ free place don't you think?

This morning the wheels went into motion to let me go.  I am still not eating, other than the delicious cocktail I infuse into myself for 10 hours every night.  I will have another swallow test as an out patient in a couple of a weeks but I seriously do believe it is improving.  My talking has been pretty good today but still not my old voice.  There is still a long road ahead of me.  I will most likely get more chemotherapy down the road and I really have to get back to the business of eating.  Just think about how much of our social life revolves around a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, a meal.......to have that gone is huge.  Mine is only gone temporarily but still it's a little disconcerting when you consider that one of the things Bill and I have always loved to do is have friends over for dinner and to go to their homes for a meal.  I have many friends who are amazing cooks.  Sometimes I used to get grumpy about having to cook but now I would love to do it!  There are so many things I seriously will never complain about again and I really do mean that.

Got home and put on the old walking shoes.  We headed out for the same kilometre loop we did yesterday.  The flat part is good, the down hill is great, the uphill is torture BUT I did the entire hill today without stopping.  So better today than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before.
I was sucking wind big time the whole way up.  It just blows my mind.  Bill looked at me and said this must be really hard for you when almost your entire life you have been focussed on being fit.  It actually is true.  I started playing badminton when I was 10 or 11 and even then we used to go to the Winter Club in the morning to run laps and do wind sprints.  I have been doing intentional exercise for probably the last 45 years of my life so for this to occur is shocking. Shocking but temporary!  I still like  the reference our friend Deb made for me "Goin on a Lion Hunt.....Can't go around it....gotta go through it..."I think of that analogy often.

So I've got almost three weeks to be strong enough to make the trip south.  I know I'm going to be an observer more than a participant but I am so happy I am going to be able to go.  There will be friends and family there and to just be part of the whole experience will be an awesome reward for the past four months.  We were just saying that it has been four months since I was diagnosed.  They said to expect it to take a year to return to a normal life.  I'm starting to see that that is very much a reality for me.  So baby steps.....baby steps.....I'm getting there.

Sunday 15 April 2012

Home again today on day parole.  Got up this morning pretty early because I still haven't got it figured out what time I should start "eating" at night.  4:45 my alarm was sounding.....my overnight meal was complete.  You can't just roll over and shut it off though.  You have to get your butt out of bed and clean all your equipment.  I was getting some pretty strange looks from the nursing staff this morning as I was heading to the kitchen to do my "dishes" (actually a feed bag).  Got cleaned up and then climbed back into bed but couldn't go back to sleep because I knew someone would be in to check my vitals at 6 AM.  So I laid and waited and listened to my poor room mate throwing up.  Every time I feel sorry for myself I look to her and realize things could be so much worse.  There are people up on that unit who have been there for 2 years!  I honestly do not think I could handle that one.
I don't know if it was because it was Sunday or what but the nurse did not show up to do the vitals until 8 AM.  I was a little ticked.  I will not miss the nightly wake up at 12 AM and  6 AM to check your blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen uptake etc.  Seems ridiculous to me that they do this every single night.

Had a wonderful shower, took my meds, got my dressings changed, and then headed home with Bill and Kelli for the day.  Kelli and I finished the wedding video first thing.  We cried every time we watched it which was several times.  We even caught Bill tearing up!  I am really happy with it.  I can't say it's mine though Kelli was hugely instrumental in helping me to get it done!  After we finished that up we headed out to the ravine for a walk.  A little further today.  The hill not quite as difficult but still had to take a couple of rests on the way up.  This has given me a whole new perspective on people who have let their fitness go and then decide to pursue it.  I have never been so unfit in my entire life.  Even post pregnancy I was able to resume my running and got back into shape relative quickly.  I have never sucked wind going on a simple walk like I'm doing right now.  But....baby steps.  Today was a little better than yesterday and tomorrow will most certainly be a little better than today.
I am being discharged to come home tomorrow.  I am really looking forward to being in my own house.  It is disappointing to be coming home still not able to eat or talk but I do believe that this is the place where I will recover best.  Kelli heads back to Vancouver tonight.  She is dragging her heals but quite honestly (and I know she will read this) it is important to me that she gets back to the business of living her own life.  We have lots of time together coming up and for the next few weeks my focus is going to be on rest and recovery.

Saturday 14 April 2012

Oh boy.....what a day!  I'm pooped but sooo happy.  Did my own feeding last night which, although seemed like a lot during the education session, actually turned out to be not such a big deal.  A little tedious and slow because I am trying to be meticulous.  I do have this one serious flaw (actually more than one....who am I trying to kid?)  It's a flaw I've always had, long, long before any of this happened.  I do not put lids on things properly.  It has been something that has bugged Bill for years.  One of those little foibles that drives your partner nuts.  You all know what I'm talking about.  We all have things that bug us about the people we love.  We try really hard to ignore them but they are teeth grindingly irritating.  That my jar thing.  You reach in the fridge to grab something and wham!....it's all over the kitchen floor because somebody was negligent!  Last night I got everything set up for my delicious night time feed (I sound like some kind of nocturnal animal here) and Kelli left for the night.  No sooner did I lay my head on my pillo than my alarm started to go off.  I tried everything, called my nurse several times but she knew even less than I.  Scary!  Finally opened the backpack and presto!  No lid on the feed bag.  Re primed, went to bed, slept the night then at 7:30 the alarm started up again.  I am now wearing earplugs so I didn't even hear it.  Happily I am learning to adjust to the noise of the night, including my roommates need to have the TV on the entire night.  My nurse was shaking me awake wondering where the alarm was coming from.  She didn't realize my feeding stuff was in my backpack.  Sat up and checked....had done it again!  Bag open.  I am going to make sure it is well attached tonight!  Got up and cleaned everything up then had a talk with my surgeon.  He has given me unlimited weekend passes so the next step was to get some dressings re dressed and then Bill arrived to take me out on day parole.  I haven't done a whole heck of a lot today but it is so fantastic to be in my own space.  It smells good!  It's clean!  There's music on the stereo!  My dog is in heaven!  What a welcome I got from him today!  It makes me tear up to tell you about it.  He has not left my side since I've come home! (well, not entirely true....left it in favour of Bill's when the turkey pie came out of the oven)    Kelli left to meet her friend and former coach Jeff!  She was dragging her heels but I kicked her out promising I was not planning to head back to the hospital until after supper.  Jeff has always been good for her spirits.  He's a real cheer leader!  Such an important role he has played in both my kids growing up years.   I have always believed that sport teaches us all kinds of virtues but I also know the people you encounter along the road of sport have huge influence.  I only hope there are kids out there that feel that about me.  She left and Bill and I bundled up and headed for my first walk that didn't involve laps around Unit 61 or the traipse from floor six to the end of a quiet hallway in the Tom Baker to sit and look at the view outside then back to my room on the sixth floor.  First of all, we have more snow in Edgemont than anywhere else in Calgary so I had to wear my Sorels which I never realized were so heavy.  Then there was the few inches of snow to trudge through.  None of you would have even noticed it but it was like a killer workout for me.  We went down the ravine and then turned to come back up the hill.  The cold wind was blowing in my face which added to my exertion.  I have never experienced something that little to be that exerting.  BUT  I DID IT! And I am very proud of myself.  Bill has trained Boomer to come to a whistle as I won't be able to call the little bugger for awhile but you should see him pivot and come when that old gym whistle rings out! Amazing what a salmon stick in your pocket does for the recall factor in a glutinous black lab!  Still...he came every single time full out and only got a treat about one out of three times.  Came back home, plopped into a recliner in the family room and snoozed the rest of the afternoon away!  Gave Bill a cooking lesson on how to make bread.  I want to see the loaf before I head back to my holding cell.  Kelli is now home with a gift from Lori and Jeff.  As you know my son Geoff's team, the Honey Badgers are riding on my behalf in the Ride to Conquer Cancer in June.  Lori sent me a bright red T-shirt with HONEY BADGERS VS. COBRAS/HONEY BADGERS DON'T CARE on the front.  It's awesome!  Of course the Honey Badger is the winner....and I'm a Honey badger.  Thanks Lori for making me chuckle!  Speaking of the Ride To Conquer Cancer , they have raised over $50,000 so far and my Geoff, with the help of many of you, is only $200 short of his $10,000 goal.  I'm very proud of him. It has been years since I have seen him so conscientious about his fitness and training!  It makes me happy!  So, the end of a great day.  I think I'm going to sleep tonight but I must confess I would love to just crawl upstairs and snuggle into my own bed with my own guy!  That would be the end of a perfect day.  So not a perfect day yet, but pretty darn close!

Friday 13 April 2012

Ahhh my friends.  So sorry for dumping all my news on you yesterday.  It was a pretty overwhelming day to say the least.
In any case after my slight derailment I am back on track today, choosing to believe that this vocal cord is going to recover.  My surgeon did drop by this morning and is is pretty confidant that the right vocal cord is stretched and bruised and that it will recover with time.  So time I shall give.  My voice was good this morning and my Dad showed up at 8:30 with his hearing aides( thank goodness} for a visit before heading back out to Windermere.  Our first encounter was quite hilarious actually......me with my whisper soft breath and he with no hearing aides.  He would pretend to understand me and I knew for a fact he didn't know one darn  thing I had said to him.  Much better today.
Had my first shower today in 18 days.  How grose is that one?  Although told not to get my dressings totally wet, I'm afraid I might have soaked them a little more than advised.  I simply stood under that shower head and moaned!  To come out and know you actually might smell acceptable was a dream come true.  Got some more staples out and then had a three hour lesson from the home care people on how to feed and look after myself at home.  A little overwhelming because just like everything else around this damn place they always have to advise you of the bad things that could happen to you if you do this or if you do that or if this happens.  Anyways, although I only feed at night and am free in the day there are huge sanitary issues and precautions to take.  I will practice in the hospital starting today and over the weekend and then hopefully will be comfortable to carry on with my own care when at home.

I am planning to take some of those passes out of here on Saturday and Sunday if only for a few hours but also know that once I'm sprung from here, even if only for a few hours, the return will be very difficult.  I have settled into my routine and having some visitors has been nice, although I feel like a bit of a dictator when I simply look at my visitors and announce that it is time to go.  Kevin and Michelle (my brother and his wife) drove up from Pincher Creek to see me today.  What a pair.  He had hip surgery a few days before my surgery!  We are quite the pair.  They came just as they were getting me ready for my shower, had a short visit and left and then returned later in the afternoon.  It was really special that he came because I am sure a three hour road trip with a recovering hip is not an easy thing to bear.

So.....heading into the weekend I will become a learner.  It is really amazing how they can taylor your health needs to your circumstance.  Now it's up to me to get out and do some walking and get to the business of getting better.  Thanks to all of you who sent me heart felt messages last night.  I think those messages helped me to have one of the best sleeps I have yet had since landing in this place.

Thursday 12 April 2012

The bad news just keeps coming.  I'm feeling a little like a drowning victim at the moment still trying to hang on to those 3 P virtues that are testing my resilience something awful.  Late yesterday afternoon I had another swallow test which I failed horribly so am now off of everything by mouth once again.  Today Dr. Gelfend came in and said he would refer me to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor to assess the damage to my vocal cords and see if there was something they could do to help me.
The day moved along and they have decided to send me home with my feeding tube next week.  This will be a good thing for me as I am not thriving in the hospital environment.  Tomorrow they will train me how to use the equipment and set me up for some home care.  So got that looked after.
Dad was by today and also Trish and Gerry so I have had a good dose of visitors.  Kelli showed up after work and low and behold in walked Dr. Bosche.  He stuck a tube down my nose to look at my vocals and then delivered the shocking news that not one but both vocal cords were paralyzed.  I think my surgeon knew he had cut my left vocal cord but did not seem to think they had affected the right one.  In any case neither right nor left is moving......unbelievable for the girl with the booming gym voice!  He delivered both worse case and best case scenario.  The worst case is just to daunting to even think about so I am choosing to go with the best case instead.  Best case.....my right vocal cord was bruised or stressed and with time, sometimes several months will recover enough that they can then put in an implant to vastly improve the quality of my voice.  The swallow should return in any case so that is good news.  As Dr. Gelfend says every day "tincture of time". Sadly I will have to withdraw as the soloist for the wedding but I am hoping Bill will step in and take over with his lovely voice. Not an easy day and the months ahead will be difficult too.  I do not plan to be a burden to anyone and will just have to hope and pray with all my heart and soul that I"m going to get a little good luck on this one.

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Sorry friends....just playing with your heads yesterday.  All is well and progressing.  This morning was up at 5:30 AM.  Still cannot sleep in this place but at least I am not worried that the nurses are out to get me or that there are imposters on the unit stealing our drug supplies.  My room mate loves to run her TV all night, sound and all.  I'm just the opposite.  I like a silent, dark room. However she is a sweet woman and I could not ask for a better room mate.  It breaks my heart to see how slow her progress has been and when I get discouraged I think about Connie.  She and her husband own a ranch and he only gets to Calgary a couple of times a week.  She has been here since September 23.  That in itself keeps my whines in check.

Went downstairs for a chest xray then came back up for my delicious breakfast which I cannot even begin to get through.   Vegetable broth, green Jello (3rd time in a row for green) and tea.  Had a couple of sips of broth and about half my jello.  My surgeon tells me "tincture of time"  We need to take it slow if you're going to get to Mexico.  At least he hasn't forgotten that.  I've quit mentioning it so was surprised when he bought it up today. Came back and had my 2nd chest tube removed as well as some stitches and am now waiting to go for a second xray in a bit. Just like yesterday I am very wheezy from having these things removed but hopefully just like yesterday it will settle again by tomorrow.  Am going to have another swallow test with the speech team this afternoon.  My surgeon seems happy with things. After I had my tubes pulled my nurse Eileen released me from the prison pole to go for a walk outside with Kelli and Bill.  Not as warm as I hoped out there but lovely to be free and not tethered to the cumbersome apparatus.  It's amazing the things that make you feel good.  At home in my other life I wouldn't even notice the small pleasures I am finding here.  And the most exciting news of all is I get to have a shower in a couple of days!  I can hardly believe it's been 15 days since I've had a shower.  That should discourage any of you from wanting to visit!  Visiting is hard because I am still struggling with my voice.  It is definitely on the upswing too.  There will be no squashing these vocals!  I was telling Kelli today that every fall when I return to work I find my voice is faltering by the end of day one and two but by day three I'm back.  Obviously I'm not back by day three but I will return!

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Kelli here --- no need to panic, mom just doesn't have computer access tonight.
She usually uses my computer at the hospital and I forgot to take it in to her this afternoon and she didn't want any company at the hospital tonight after a very busy day.

MOM'S NOSE TUBE IS OUT!  What a feeling... she hated that thing!  I walked in on her this morning smiling.  This was the first time i'd seen her nose in 2 weeks (not covered by an enormous bandage holding the tube in place).  They also removed one of the chest tubes today and started her on JELLO!   Mom use to hate JELLO - but today it was delicious and she ate an entire lunch snack container! The road is going to be long.  Swallowing is challenging and takes deliberate effort.  Because mom's vocal cord was damaged in the surgery there is a higher risk of food going down the wrong pipe into the lungs - so she has to be very careful.  Tomorrow she will have a formal swallowing assessment to make sure things are going the right direction.  Today her voice was much better too - not sure if that's a product of the nose tube removal or overall improvement of that vocal cord nerve ... either way, we'll take it!

Mom's surgeon is very conservative.  Every time one of the other physicians or residents gives mom news, her surgeon comes in, lays down the iron fist and delays things.  He's moving VERY slow with mom and being exceptionally cautious.  As frustrating as it is I think in the long run it is the best way to be.  Tomorrow they will repeat a chest xray to make sure the lungs are tolerating the removal of the chest tube and introduction of food.  If the xray is clear they may take the other chest tube out too.They will also remove the remaining staples from her belly and back (woo hoo!).  It sounds like she will be in hospital for at least another week while they watch her closely as her diet advances.  It is not uncommon to have difficulties swallowing, nausea, vomiting, reflux, diarrhea - her system will have to establish a new normal and it could take up to a year before that happens.

Mom remains positive and I am so proud of her (have I mentioned that?).  This has been a heck of a surgery to endure with the high hope of a cure.

She will be back blogging tomorrow!
Goodnight

Monday 9 April 2012

Oh what a day what a day!  A bit of a rough night as usual.  I never sleep on my back and here that is my only option.  Was in bed around ten, tossed and turned until midnight when the nurse arrived to take my vitals then dosed off for a pretty good couple of hours.  Woke up played with the buttons on my bed for a couple of hours feet up, head up, feet down, head down.  Attempted to lie on my side......that wasn't going to work, then finally called the nurse and asked for some tylenol.  I am off all pain killers now which is great but I just couldn't get to sleep. Partly of course because of my nervousness about the upcoming swallow test.  Got up at six and sat on my chair for a few minutes then decided to head back to bed for a couple more hours.  Surprisingly fell asleep until I felt Edmund rousing me.  Time to go for your test Madame.  We quickly freshened me up and off I went with the porter to the fourth floor.  They sat me in a cold hallway for probably 40 minutes.  Finally I was taken into the room and told to stand on the platform where they perform the test.  I have drunk many concoctions  but would have to say this one took the cake for being the violist of viol!  Swallow after swallow, turn this way turn that way......swallow some more..."Play it again Sam".  Finally it was over and he told me that he saw some pockets of fluid in the stomach and could not safely give me any more of the liquid to continue the test.  Thank God for that.  He also said he did not feel that I would be getting out any of my tubes and that it would be a bit longer before I would be able to proceed with my heeling process, thus, more time in the hospital, more time with this horrible nose tube and chest tubes and drains.  I was devastated.  They drove me out to reception and left me there for quite some time.  I sat and I sat and I sat.......As you know, I have no voice so I couldn't even raise it loud enough to ask the receptionist if a porter had been called.  Finally I started waving my arms and she came closer and realized I had been there for quite a long time.  They put my on a priority list to get back.  I had been gone from the room for over three hours now.  Arrived back to the room to find Bill and Kelli waiting for me.  They listened to what I told them and then gave me my positive pep talk....When the going gets tough....The tough get going!  Man those are hard words to hear when they are so true.  We were all disappointed but my nurse was curiously not so.  She decided not to change my nose dressing just in case they opted to go ahead and remove the nose tube.  Geoff and Lindsey arrived and I must confess we are starting to look like the East Indian Family that arrives every day on Unit 61 and sits in the area in front of Unit 61 staring at the entrance and visiting for hours.  Anthony, the nurse practitioner arrived and said he had discussed the tube with Dr. Gelfend and they would remove it today. The radiologist who had been performing the test was not their usual guy and they were not concerned by the things he had expressed concerns on.  So the tube would come out, I could have a little water, juice and maybe some jello for dinner.  I have not eaten anything now for 16 days other than the Ensure (I call it Endure) that they are pumping through my feeding tube.  If I"m going to gain weight it had better be on coconut icecream, pina coloadas and cinnamon buns......not that Endure stuff!  Well I'm on cloud nine and Anthony returns once again and says that Dr. Gelfend has decided just to be safe they would pull the tube up 5 cm. tonight and let it drain some of the stomach fluids then remove the tube tomorrow.  If all goes well tomorrow the chest tubes and such should be coming out the next day and I might, might, might just be allowed home by the weekend!  Talk about a roller coaster day.....and talk about a day when you feel so blessed to have the family you do! I still have many challenges ahead I know and they are big ones but one baby step at a time.  Right now I'm just wanting to get home to my own surroundings.  My own bed, my own things.  I would be lying if I said I had been positive every step of they way.  Somedays you don't even want to get out of bed.  Every day the same.......lap after lap around the unit........this is where my family have risen to the occasion.  They have lovingly spooned back to me my motto "Patience, Positivity and Perseverance."

Sunday 8 April 2012

Happy Easter and Welcome Back!  Time to get back to the business of conversing with you my friends!  I have read most of Kelli's blogs and think she pretty well gave you a picture of what the past 13 days have looked like.  I must confess I knew this would be a challenge but never in my wildest dreams did I estimate how difficult that challenge would be. The chemo and radiation came so easy for me and I thought this would be the same.  Healthy Fit......I would be great! There were many days when being positive and patient were impossible but my two cheer l chearleaders, who have been my side pretty much most of each and every day reminded me I had to focus on the positive sides.....the surgery was successful and even though I felt like crap I was recovering rapidly and making great gains.  They have marched many laps of Unit 61 with me and the past two days have taken me out to the front of the hospital where I imagine everyone who walks by me thinks serves her right....smoker!  That I am ashamed to say has often been my thought when I walk by people sitting out there.  The shocking thing of course is how many are in fact smokers and continue to do so on the front hospital steps attached to their IV poles.  I have come to hate my IV pole.  It accompanies me everywhere and I have been firmly attached to it since my surgery.  It feeds me, waters me,  medicates me and slows me down!

Todays message is about appreciation!   I have many hours to sit and reflect because reading and emailing and texting do not come easy especially on the days I was wacked out on Fentanyl or hydromorph.  Drugs are not for me!  My reminders to all of us.....appreciate your family!  They are the one constant you have in your life.  Today Bill and Kelli brought me a special easter gift.....a visit from Boomer!  It has made my day.  We couldn't have a thorough hug and exchange and of course the waddling walk would never do but we did have a few minutes and it's true pets are totally therapeutic.  Your family knows what will make you happy.  As I was sitting outside enjoying the April sun I thought about the old wedding vows....In sickness and in health.  I could not ask more of anyone in caring for me and loving me even on days I was down and unhappy. Bill has been as solid as a rock and I can honestly say if he ever finds himself in a similar situation, God forbid,  I will be there for him as well!  Appreciate your kids for it is you who taught them!  Both Kelli and Geoff have been marvelous.  Kelli has spent more time here and has been great at helping me with my sponge bath and todays hair wash.  Geoff brings energy to the room when he comes. He has always been my go getter bunny!  I love both of these young people more than I can ever say.
Appreciate your health and if you are doing things to compromise it stop now.  If you drink to much....stop.  If you have family members that do talk to them!  If you smoke, quit!  If you eat an improper diet change it up, if you love to be the consummate couch potato get off that couch and start moving!  It doesn't matter what you do, just do it.  Work on your relationships, cherish your friends.  I cherish each and every one of you!  You have been pillars and your support has been over whelming!  I know many of you have wanted to come and visit me but I just was not up to it.  The biggest problem being I cannot talk!  They knicked my vocal cord getting at a lymph node.  Now don't get too excited about that prospect my friends because I am pretty sure my voice will be back but we might be enjoying  quieter visits in the upcoming days.  I promise you entertainment with stories of the Foothills Hospital!  Appreciate where you live.  If you have done any travel to third world countries you come to realize we live in paradise but we are always so discontent with our lot.  Appreciate and practice the spirit of generosity!  It makes such a difference to someone in a time of need.    I am sure there are many other things but today these are the biggies for me.  Hope you all had a great Egg Hunt this morning!  I sure did!  Have an extra piece of turkey or ham for me at tonights Easter Dinner.  I will continue to enjoy the cans of ensure they pump into my guts.  I think I am leaving here in my fat pats later in the week!

Love to each of you.  I'm crossing my fingers to be home before next weekend!  Love ya!
Leslie

Saturday 7 April 2012





Mom and I are sitting in her room "working out".  We decided that tonight we would share her workout regime with all of you. Good thing mom is on a liquid diet because I don't think this workout regime is going to get her in bikini shape any time soon!
Mom continues to do well today.  Nights are really hard and rough mornings follow... but by mid day she perks up.  Mom confided in me today that she knew this surgery and recovery was going to be tough but that it has exceeded her wildest imagination.  Mental toughness is such a huge part of the struggle.  Losing her voice from the surgery, sleep deprivation, horrific side effects from medication,  physical dependance, lack of dignity, facing an entirely new body image in the mirror each morning, the anxiety of the pathology report ... these are the struggles mom faces every single day.  These are the struggles that were nearly impossible to prepare for prior to the surgery.   Every day mom trudges on - patience, perseverance, and pain in the @$$ (mom's new 3 p's of recover).  She will get better. Time will heal and patience is so critical.  

Hope everyone is enjoying their Easter weekend!

Friday 6 April 2012

I think we've turned the corner...I hope so anyway!

Today was much better.  Yesterday was quite challenging - mom had us all confused.  She was really quite agitated and hitting her pain button every 5 minutes. She was having all sorts of hallucinations and delusions of which the cause wasn't clear.  We weren't sure if she was using too much pain medication, not enough, had an infection or some other precipitant.  She had a pretty rough night but when we went in to see her this morning her pain button was wrapped around her IV pole and she hadn't hit it once since 6am.  I'm not sure what changed - but her agitation had subsided and with that the urge to press the button did too.  The day went on like that - no pain button.  By 9 o'clock tonight she had not hit the button even once - zero pain medication the entire day AND she was comfortable.  The hallucinations started to fade as well.  That's not say that she didn't have any today because she definitely did.  The most amusing (of which I have mom's permission to share) occurred when mom and I were watching a chic flick this afternoon.  Hours had passed since she had acted "wacky" and I was convinced the delirium had resolved.  In the middle of a hot and steamy bedroom scene in the movie, mom looks over at me VERY concerned and says, "should he be there???  Someone should get him out of there!!"  It turns out mom was seeing a child on the floor in the bedroom on TV watching the two adults getting all hot and steamy.  She was VERY concerned that this was inappropriate for this child to be watching.  I had a good laugh...

Things were better all round today.  More coughing - bring LOTS more up, better energy, good pain control and even a couple of smiles throughout the afternoon.  I am hoping beyond hope that she has a reasonable night.  Mom finds the nights very difficult.  She gets quite uncomfortable lying down (a product of the chest tubes) and quite disoriented.  Sleep has been a major challenge.  Fingers crossed for a good sleep and another good day tomorrow!

Thursday 5 April 2012

Another tough day.  Mom continues to be quite uncomfortable and has been struggling with delirium.  She is having all sorts of funky hallucinations which are terrifying to her and messing with her sleep.  There's a lot causes for delirium - the most obvious being the pain medications. After a long night of bugging the nurses I finally got a work up started to make sure an underlying cause wasn't being missed.  She's doing ok though - everyday we get a little closer to Monday. We are all so cautiously optomistic that the swallowing test will go well (please let it go well).

Not much else to report.  Some people have been asking about visitors.  It was mom's wishes prior to surgery for no visitors and at this point she's still not up for it.

Till tomorrow...


Wednesday 4 April 2012

Hi Amy! You win - I was thinking of taking a night off blogging but I will persevere... :)
Just got home from the hospital...spent the night with mom again.  We had planned to watch some girly TV but time just seems to fly at the hospital as it seems like there's always something to do - change gowns, sponge baths, dressing changes, nebulizer treatments, walking, readjusting tubes, fighting with the ng suction - times just seemed to pass us by! 

Mom had a good day today.  Despite a rough night last night and a bit of an emotional roller coaster (mom's words not mine) she rebounded well.   Finally got moved to a semi-private room tonight which I think will make a HUGE difference.  Her room mate is a lovely lady about the same age.  Mom and her have had sort of had "reverse" surgeries.  Her room mate has stomach cancer and had her stomach removed and esophagus pulled down.  Mom has had her esophagus removed and stomach pulled up.  I joked that the two of them should become friends because together they would be whole...sick sense of humour I know, I think I inherited it from mom.

Up and walking, increased energy, less nausea - all small battles won.  Dr. Doom and Gloom #2 (the surgeon) visited again today and without pausing even a second he proceeded to bring mom down .... chest tubes will not be removed until after the swallowing test of Monday.  He always seems to bring bad news (for no particular reason - everything is going well and he's the expert of course) - but he never focuses on the good progress at all.  It's been an important lesson for us all - communication is so important.  Sometimes the lack of communication causes more suffering than the disease itself.  Mom's misinterpretations of his already doom and gloom news just make things worse.  When he came in the room today he said to mom "this is the first time I've seen you in bed" (which in itself is a compliment). Later in the day mom told me "ya and what a jerk, he told me that everytime he sees me i'm in bed." Of course she took great offence to that comment as she has been working hard on her ward laps. AHAH I had to correct her.   

Not much else to report…just killing time now - waiting for the swallow test, waiting for the pathology report...wait wait wait...ugh.  Will update again tomorrow!



Tuesday 3 April 2012

I have to admit I don't really feel like blogging tonight...but I don't want to worry anyone by not writing so i'll be quick.

Was a bit of a tough day today but some progress was made.  Mom's epidural was removed.  The plus side is that it's one step closer to being able to go home the down side was that the new iv pain medications made her TERRIBLY nauseous.  For most of the day today she felt miserable --
She also had to have her IV replaced today and the lab tech managed to miss 3 times (my Grandma would not have been impressed haha).  After three tries Geoff graciously intervened and popped one in on the first try.  I remember almost 10 years ago now Geoff learning how to start IV's, practicing on mom at the kitchen table, she was black and blue for weeks....that sacrifice paid off today!!  She did manage to get in a few good laps of the ward ... but otherwise had a pretty low key day.  The swallow test has been confirmed for next Monday - also a little disappointing but not a major set back.  Tomorrow the chest tubes may come out - which would be great.  They are one of the major sources of discomfort so once they go the pain should improve and the nausea should too.

One day at a time.  We have to constantly remind ourselves that this is going to be a very long recovery.  It will probably be a good 6  months before mom feels like her old self.  Even though we'd love to snap our fingers and have her be better --- patience is key :)

Mom's doing great - she remains positive and everyday is a day closer to coming home.  She does have her phone now and has access to her emails.  She's not quite up to replying but if you send her something she will receive it!  Thanks again for all your positive thoughts and support.


Monday 2 April 2012

Just got home from the hospital - spent the evening watching my mom and I's new favourite TV show - SMASH.  It's become a Monday night tradition and the hospital wasn't going to slow us down!  Pretty funny though - the TV in mom's room has next to no volume so we had to wheel down to the patient lounge at the end of the hall.   Mom has to be on continuous suction for her chest tubes so we have to take the portable machines which make noise like a helicopter landing ... no problem, we just cranked the TV volume.  A TV musical combined with an two incoming helicopters - what a racket ahaha!!

I guess making noise in that way is mom's way of compensating.  Since the surgery mom has very little voice - just a whisper.  On her PET scan earlier this month there was a questionable lymph node in her neck so the surgeon had to go digging to remove it.  In the process he managed to hit her voice box nerve and as a result she is left with just a whisper.  8/10 people with this "complication" regain their normal voice by 3 months.  For those who don't there is a procedure that can be done to get it back.  A bit disappointing but a small price to pay in the grand scheme of removing that lymph node.  Poor mom though, of all people.... she's going to have to cut down on her gossip (or should I say "networking) and cut down on her nagging ;) ahha.  She joked today that she is going to start a "call in service" on her cell phone at the hospital with her sexy raspy voice...a side job while she recovers.

Today was better yet - THIRTEEN laps of the ward -- 3 in a row at one point.  She is motoring now.... triple the speed.  I know I've said it so many times - but I am so proud of her.    Her energy is improving everyday.  She's getting a bit better rest at night which I think helps things dramatically.

Tomorrow is a new day.  The swallow test has been delayed slightly.  The surgeon that told her Tuesday was the covering surgeon of the weekend.  She saw her own surgeon today and he would like to wait until the end of the week for the test.  He says because of the chemo and radiation her tissues might be slower to heal....of course mom completely disagrees...but says she can't argue because she doesn't have the voice.  She jokes he went into this profession because people can't talk back after the surgery (not funny!).

Goodnight everyone!

Sunday 1 April 2012


Last month we had a pipe burst in our basement and it soaked a lot of the stuff my parents had in storage.  When I came home there was a box of my old sentimental t-shirts up in my room that my mom wanted me to sort through - I had stored them in the basement for safekeeping. For the last few weeks I’ve been wearing an old favorite to bed – a shirt that once belonged to my Grandma.  On the front in bright fluorescent pink letters it says, “if Mom says no ask Grandma.”  Over the last few months my mom has reminded me a lot of my Grandma.  My Grandma passed away when I was 16 – of lymphoma. To this day I feel so incredibly fortunate to have shared such a close relationship with her and to carry so many amazing memories. I never saw my Grandma cry.  I’m not saying crying is a sign of weakness – in fact, I am the queen of tears.  I constantly have to remind my family that just because I cry doesn’t mean I’m not positive or optimistic; it just hurts me to see my mom go through this. My Grandma was a fierce patient - a nurse herself with high expectations for her care and high expectations for her recovery.  She didn’t waste any time sitting around feeling sorry for herself.  She was all business.  My mom tells me that even after her cancer had progressed and she was told there was nothing left to be done, she picked herself up, brushed herself off, and marched out of the hospital, determined not to waste a single moment of her life.  Mom has been exactly the same way.  When she called me in Vancouver on December 14th to tell me about her diagnosis, her voice shook a little, but she made it clear she was going to do everything in her power to get past this. We all have our moments – and I’d be lying to say I haven’t “lost it” more than once.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed with rage – so angry that this has happened to our family.  But mom – if she’s had those moments, she has fooled us all - "true strength is keeping everything together when everyone expects you to fall apart." Her courage, her strength, her determination, and her ability to overcome anxiety, fear, and pain - it has been remarkable.  I didn’t know she had it in her.  I guess she is cut from the same cloth as my Grandma.

She continues to do well.  Everyday she gets a little stronger.  She finally got some sleep last night and looked like a million bucks this morning (comparatively speaking).  Today she started receiving a small amount of nutrition through her feeding tube (which goes directly in to her small intestine).   I think she’ll notice an improvement in her energy tomorrow because of this.  Tuesday is the big day – the swallowing test….we’re all a bit nervous about it.  If it goes well she will likely be discharged home around the end of next week – if it doesn’t, well – that will be fine too…we will work around it.  One day at a time…although we all wish we could fast-forward a week (or a month).

This morning mom received a few more WHITE RABBITS to add her growing “herd” (See Lindsey, my brother’s wife-to-be, in the picture below).  My goodness, she’s getting quite the collection.  The white rabbit has duel significance.  The year my Grandma passed away she gave me a big white rabbit – a beautiful stuffed animal with giant floppy ears. I named it Isabelle (my Grandma’s middle name).  Isabelle has been my “adult” comfort.  When mom was diagnosed I bought her an Isabelle counterpart – Isabelle Jr. “for tough times.”  Separate from this, the “white rabbits” tradition on the first of every month goes back as far as I can remember and as far as mom can remember too. A silly family superstition that is taken very seriously in this household!

Anyway, I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  The weather here has been great – a nice change from the Vancouver gloom if I do say so myself.  I’ll continue to post – although dad teases me that the readership has declined since mom stopped writing her own blogs ;)