Thursday, May 23

       "THE RACE IS NOT FOR THE SWIFT, NOR THE BATTLE FOR THE STRONG.  
                                              IT IS FOR THE ONE WHO ENDURES!"\

Spent last night at the lake with Dad and Kelli.  We packed everthing up this morning and headed home to Calgary.  The next few days will be a whirlwind of activity to get ready to return to Vancouver.  Three road trips out there and back in under a month is a little much, especially for me whose favourite means of travel is not by car!! Bill will pick up our fifth wheel tomorrow with fingers crossed that it has wintered well.  We had to get new batteries today and hopefully that will be it but should there be issues I may just fly out on Sunday and he will drive out later.  That may come to pass anyways as my nurse called today and in a very chipper voice told me we would be getting started on Monday.  I had already had a call earlier in the day letting me know that my endoscope was scheduled for Tuesday morning so Bill and I were breathing sighs of relief thinking we would have an extra day to get there!  I asked what I needed to be there for on Monday and she informed me that they would do blood work and I would meet with the doctor.  I just met with the doctor for heaven's sakes!  Can't imagine what else we could have to talk about at this point. I have already been well prepped about possible side effects etc.   The endoscope takes 15 minutes, the blood work maybe five minutes and I would bet the doctor will spend all of ten minutes with me!  I asked if we couldn't do all those things on Tuesday.  She did sound a little exasperated with me but honestly let's be reasonable here!  Once I'm there I won't be difficult but I'm thinking they should be able to accomodate me on this one request.  I had actually asked if I couldn't start a week later and was told that would not be possible.  New patients cannot be brought into the study until I have been in it for a few weeks and the doctor is going to be away that week and prefers to be present on my first week.  That makes sense but this Monday business does not!

Tomorrow we will dewinterize the trailer and get it packed up.  We are trying to approach this month in Vancouver as if it was a holiday!  We're packing golf clubs, bikes and hiking gear with hopes that between treatments I will feel well and we will be able to enjoy ourselves.  I am hoping to continue with my bike training so that I'm ready for the big ride!  Thanks to all who have donated and/or have purchased tickets to the fundraiser event on Saturday night.  There will be tickets on sale at the door for anyone who has not yet got their ticket and wants to come!  The more the merrier!!!

Wednesday, May 22

Just heading back to Calgary from Vancouver!  Bill was up at the crack of dawn (5:30 AM) chomping  the bit to go.  Maureen and Duane have pretty good security in their building so I was annoyed we were going to have to get them out of bed so we could exit the building.  You need a key fob to go down the elevator and also one to exit the parkade.  We finally decided we would go down to the

parkade and I would let him out, then I’d head back up to their place on the 12^th floor, return the keys, then exit via the stairs which need to be left unlocked due to fire regulations.  Worked like a charm except for the fact I couldn’t lock the door to their place once I dropped the keys back.  Oh well….with that kind of security I don’t think they had any worries.

I have been very emotional today which is quite unlike me.  I think I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with thoughts of leaving my home, my friends and family which have really been my strength over these past months.  It has all happened so quickly. I am happy to be part of the study and I am excited to be given this opportunity, however,  I have had my moments.  Today I  thought about several friends who are also going through very tough circumstances right now and from them I have managed to gather some strength. I hope they too gather strength from me in their low moments.   I have spent some time today thinking about each of these amazing people and realize that although each of us is facing different challenges there are definitely strong threads of commonalities.  First I thought of Sandy who is still awaiting a lung transplant in Edmonton.  She too has had to leave her home city, Saskatoon, in order to get the medical care she needs.  I faithfully follow her husbands accounts of their days at the University Hospital and stories of friends and family coming to visit.  I know how much Sandy loves her kids and her grandchildren and although this time away must be excrutiatingly painful, she has hope that her life will be saved so she can return home and continue to be part of their lives.  I think of Monica who has been an inspiration, a role model, a source of information and a friend.  She has battled this horrible disease for 14 years and is going in for yet another surgery in the next couple of weeks.  Her son is also undergoing surgery for his own issues.  This is a family who has been dealt a lousy hand, yet continue to live life fully with a hopeful eye on the future.  I think of my friends Lorna and Cliff who are also wrestling through this maze, trying to live a normal life when life is far, far from normal!  Then there’s my dear friend Sandra who has lived with lupus for most of her adult life.  She is going through a terrible rough patch right now and recently sent me an email that struck a chord because it is totally reflective of my thoughts.  The worst part of being faced with life threatening illness is not the struggles you yourself have to endure ..... as challenging as these might be , the worst partt is knowing that your family and friends who love you are living this nightmare with you!  We have all become so good at reading each others moods.   When I reflect on all the “stories” out there I realize that mine is just one of many.  I know I have to remain strong and focused on what I hope to gain from participating in this trial.  No one ever told me achieving this goal would be easy.  We all have our "litle bothers in this life!"

So tomorrow I return to Calgary.  I have had time to reflect on whether or not I'm doing the right thing and the simple conclusion I have come to is that I won't know if I don't try.  I have a few days to get organized for my month away and I have a great party to attend on Saturday night with my fellow Honey Badgers and all our supporters!  If any of you are reading this and are wondering "What can I do for her?" I can tell you.  Please stay connected!  I love your emails, I love hearing what you are up to and what your kids are doing, I love your stories.......keep me in the loop. You know how I love to be part of things!!!    I have been so blessed with your companionship over these past months:  coffee dates, lunches and dinners, shows  ......now I will need to settle for "virtual companionship".

Today I read a something my friend Carol posted…….I loved some of the quotes and certainly appreciated that these 15 steps were food for thought.

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

  I kno

Tuesday, May 21

A quick update on where things sit.
My appointment for a CT scan was at 2:30 today.  We basically just killed time before this.  Checked out Mountain Equipment Co-op, went for a lattee at Artigianos (they make the best lattees) and checked out the Whole Foods Grocery Store.  Bill couldn't believe we were cruising around a grocery store but the weather was so so today and it seemed like as good a thing to do as anything.  The funny part of it was we walked in the door of the store and the very first person we laid eyes on was Duane.  Here we are in a city where we no no one and who do we run into???  Our friends doing their grocery shopping.
We are staying with them tonight and Maureen is cooking her delicious Seafood Cliopino for us!  What a treat!

We met with the nurse who will be monitoring me through the trial and she went over the consent form with me before I signed it.  We discussed the possible side effects which for the most part didn't seem too bad, the worst being death!  I think every single medication and surgery I have had this has been a listed risk factor.  There are 62 people in the trial and actually theyt have had one death from a perforated bowel.  The way a phase 1 trial works is they continually increase the dosage with the purpose being to discover toxicity levels.  They have actually cut back on the dosage due to some of the side effects they've been seeing in patients participating in this particular trial.  Because of this one death I have to see a gastroenterologist before I head back to Calgary.  Not sure what tests I'll have to undergo there but am really hoping that I see that doctor in the next day or so.  We asked if I could delay starting the trial for another week but the doctor said no, I have to be back in Vancouver on May 27.  It certainly makes things more frantic but it is very important to me to be home for Saturdays event at Schanks.  Soooo.....depending on this appointment I will either drive back with Bill or catch a flight home.  I may fly out on Sunday and he will drive out with our fifth wheel.  I have blood work and other tests on Monday and then will have the chemo on Tuesday.  We have booked a site in the RV park for the month and will take it from there at the end of the month.  It is my understanding that if I am tolerating the drugs OK I'll be able to come and go after the first month and won't need so much monitoring!

Just talked to the doctor.  Apparently it is an endocope I am having.  They need to check that there is no residual tumour in my throat.  He does not think this is going to be the case based on my PET scan but wants to be certain before they start me.  So we leave Vancouver tomorrow, will stop in Windermere to pick up my fur child and my golf clubs, then home to Calgary for a whirlwind of prep then back to Vancouver with the fifth wheel on Sunday!  Good thing Bill doesn't mind driving!  The other option is I may fly out myself and he will just drive out depending on how things go with getting organized.

Soooo.....I'll be at the party on Saturday and I expect you all to celebrate big time!

Monday, May 20

A long day of driving.  Try coming into Vancouver around 5 PM on a holiday weekend!  BRUTAL!  Both Maureen and Kelli said that we would encounter a nightmare around Chilliwack and sure enough we did.  Crawled along and noticed that many cars were exiting.  Bill picked out a guy pulling a trailer because "it looked like he knew where he was going....no hesitation," and we followed him onto the off ramp and then along the secondary route for quite a few kilometers before we finally lost him.  I expressed my profound amazement that we were following someone we didn't know in a city of three million, assuming he was probably heading the same place we were.  Bill's answer.......He did surveillance for five years and knows how to profile a target!  Duh.. After some meandering around on this secondary route we managed to find our way back to the main route and fortunately the pace had picked up a little.  In all though, the trip took close to ten hours and we are both bushed tonight.  We went out for Sushi to one of Kelli's former haunts.  Unbelievably we could not finish the sushi we ordered (Both Geoff and Bill have the problem that they always over order!!) and the bill came to $23.00.  It is amazing that eating out in Vancouver is so much cheaper than eating out in Calgary!  We are staying at the Sandman suites tonight which is only a short drive to the hospital where I have to go for my appointments tomorrow.  If we have to stay in Vancouver tomorrow night we will stay with Maureen and Duane.  They came to Vancouver on Sunday for the Fleetwood Mac concert.  Maureen was telling me tonight that at the end of the concert Stevie Nix was thanking the audience and going on and on about how beautiful this city was and how lucky the audience was to live here.....in Toronto!  I guess there was an audible gasp from the crowd!!! Talk about a major faux pas!!!

The Silent Auction is coming together nicely thanks to the generosity and hard work of so many people.  We are so happy that so many people have purchased tickets and are planning to join us next Saturday!  I can hardly wait!  Below is a photo of some of the itmes that have been donated for the auction.  The list is impressive!!!  I also just checked the Honey Badgers progress on the fundraising front.....Congratulations team!  We have now hit $80,000!  Only $20,000 to go to make our $100,000 goal!  I think it's doable!

I just sat down and read through the consent document that I have to sign tomorrow to be part of the study!  It is a little sobering but honestly I have signed others that are similar over the past year and a half.  Of course there could be side effects and I need to be aware of them, however, I choose to read them and then hope that these possibilities won't  be the case for me.  So far I have dodged most of the side effect bullets from the various drugs and treatments I have had and hope for more of the same.  The good news is, is that participation in the study is my choice and I can withdraw at any time should these side effects become too severe or the treatment does not appear to be helping.  I choose to go into this study with the hope the treatment will be effective and knowing that my participation may help others.

Sunday, May 19

Got up to cloudy, socked in skies this morning and after some discussion decided that Bill and I would golf on the membership and poor Dad would stay home and do housework.  We threw the garbage into the back of the truck, planning to stop and do a drop at the dump.  We arrived at the dump bright and early and there wasn't a soul in sight.  Bill pulled up to the dumpsters and proceeded to toss several small bags of garbage in.  He was almost finished when a truck roared in and a very angry man jumped out ,  cursing and swearing about the way we had parked, blocking off his access to the dumpster.  He himself was not dumping garbage but was there to garbage pick!  Bill looked at him with some surprise and said "Good Morning," to which this individual replied, "You can just go out to that stop sign, turn left, go to the next four way stop and take a left to F*!@ing Calgary!!!  Honestly, how does a person get so jaded!  We drove away and left him at the dump raging at damn Albertans!  We then arrived at the course and in conversation with the starter discovered there had been a brawl on the course yesterday and both the police and paramedics had to be summoned.  I guess one group hit into the other group on hole nine and the ball actually hit the guys wife on the shoulder.  The husband was furious and picked up the offending ball before proceeding on to hole 10.  The group that had hit into them caught up on the tenth tee box and demanded to have their ball back at which point the husband of the lady who had been hit whacked the guy with his club, splitting the guys head open.  Then, the two thirty year old sons got into the fray and threw the fellow who had demanded his ball back on the ground and started pummeling him.  Can you believe it!!!!  Unreal! And they say golf is a gentleman's stroke!  Hmph!

We really weren't sure we would get all 18 holes in today with the way the skies looked so went with the attitude that if it rained we would just pack it in.  As it turned out, the first five holes were good and then the skies opened up.  We finished the front nine but both of us were having issues with our clubs slipping in our hands and what started out looking like it might be a good round slowly deteriorated.  The rain lightened up by the time we finished nine holes but we were both pretty much soaked and decided that lunch and coffee at Kicking Horse Coffee might be more fun.

Had our lunch, picked up some plumbing supplies and headed home so Bill could finish working on Dad's bathtub!  While he was doing that I took Boomer for a good long walk and then we headed over to see the Lenzins for a bit. It was like dog day camp today with four dogs sharing the beach!  Boomer was in seventh heaven!  Held his own with those young pups!  For an almost ten year old dog he's still pretty energetic!!!

Boomer and Ryker!!!  Two ADHD Canines!  Getting them to pose for this shot was no easy task!  Thank goodness for treats

Off to Vancouver tomorrow!  Hope the holiday traffic isn't too terrible!